INFJ Advice

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Anonymous asked: I don't like being an INFJ. I really hate the fact that I'm not sociable and come off as cold and unfeeling and think too much and get emotional over little things. How do I stop being an introvert?

infj-feelings:

Woah woah let me stop you right there.

Please don’t hate yourself. I know how you feel, but please don’t let the harshness of the world hate your personality. You can’t change who you are, and pretending will only make you seem less genuine.

I don’t know if one can really stop being an introvert. I’d suggest being more outgoing to be more extraverted, but if that doesn’t feel comfortable don’t beat yourself up.

– Hana

Stop hating yourself lovies! Would you ever say such mean things about Gandhi? INFJs can be such beautiful creatures once we start putting our strengths to good use. Being caring and introspective and deep are fantastic qualities that we should be encouraging in young people. Never trade these things for being ‘outgoing.’ Anyone can be ‘outgoing.’ No one can be you. 

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One of the few plus sides to isolating yourself like us alone-time-loving INFJs do is that you rarely…

…get sick. Yea. No friends, no germs. I used to think I had a pretty good immune system but no. I just rarely come into contact with human beings, and subsequently, the bugs they carry. So it makes sense that the time in my life when I finally gain a pretty wide circle of friends, start hanging out with people on weekends and even during the week, start joining a theatre group, star in a musical, and gain a significant other, BOOM. MONO AND A SINUS INFECTION. 

Yea so my posts are gonna be less than their usual sparkly deep chasm of insight for a while. I just don’t have the brain power right now.

Like, this is my text post for text post Wednesday. Friends are awesome, but you’ll probably get mono. That’s the best I got. Not even sorry. I have mono for goodness sake. 

(okay, I’m a little sorry. but really, I got nothing else)

Don’t share liquids with anyone kids. And um, eat your veggies. 

Yea.

Stay Awesome

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I know this is going to be hard for dynamic and interesting extroverts to believe, but some people are happy being introverts. Shy people don’t stay in on a Friday night because they’re broken, they stay in because they get more enjoyment out of reading at home than they do out of going to a sweaty bar or crowded party or loud concert or violent, I don’t know, quinceanera. Quiet people avoid talking in large crowds not because they don’t know how to talk, but because they prefer listening. Shy and awkward people are not looking for you to save them because they don’t need to be saved. Why do we throw around the phrase “She really helped him break out of his shell” as if that’s a good thing? If a turtle breaks out of his shell, he will die.
Daniel O’Brien (via aingingein)

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gilsi33 asked: A lot of things in this world are unfair. You watch in on TV, you see it at work, you experience it first hand and there's nothing you can do about it. So, how does an INFJ deal with unfairness? I am a bleeding heart.

As many times as adults said “Life’s not fair” when we were growing up, it’s true. But that doesn’t have to be as much of a downer if you don’t want it to be. Maybe life isn’t supposed to be fair. Whether you believe in a God or not, free will or determinism, or you are a faithful person or a skeptic, life not being fair can have some kind of significance to you, maybe even a positive one. Maybe being dealt a rough hand in life is a challenge to show that you can do better. Maybe seeing others being treated unfairly is supposed to give us a chance to do the right thing and help them. Maybe it’s just supposed to inspire faith or spirituality or philosophical thought. Maybe it’s supposed to question why bipedal primates on a spinning rock jettisoning through space would think that their existence had to be fair. Maybe it’s a test of your character to see how you deal with the vicissitudes of life. 

You can decide how to deal with it any way you like depending on the kind of faith you subscribe to, but I think how you act is often more important. What you do about unfairness in your life and the lives of others can be a defining aspect of who you are and who you want to become. 

Maybe next time something unfair happens that makes you feel like a bleeding heart, ask yourself this, ‘What are the people I admire doing about this?’ and then do as they do to the best of your ability. React the kind of way that you will be proud of in hindsight. If you wanna start doing something, then do it. And if you want to just grieve, then that’s fine too. 

And remember, there’s nothing wrong with being a bleeding heart. I think it can be quite admirable actually because it shows that you care. Many INFJs need to stop beating themselves up about caring so much when that’s what makes us who we are and we should be proud of it. You feel things. You care. Don’t ever wish you were any different. 

Stay Awesome

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rosydrops:

Cleaning
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how to fix a leaky faucet
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removing stains from your carpet
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see if you’re paying too much for your cell phone bill
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things to bring to a doctor’s appointment
what to expect from your first gynecologist appointment
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a list of stress relievers
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how to remove a splinter


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a list of hotlines in a crisis
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how to do the heimlich maneuver

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recipes that take 30 minutes or less
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how to stop swearing constantly


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learn another language
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INFJs need a plan. They may not always be the most organized or strict in their scheduling as some of the SJs, but they need a long-term plan. I’m not talking about just a school or work schedule, I mean a life plan. INFJs are constantly reevaluating themselves, who they are, what they want, and who they want to be, so they can perfect the plan for their life in their heads. We may not always need a schedule when we take a fun trip (depending on how flexible the INFJ), but I’d say most of us have an imaginary map for how we would like our life to play out. However, this imaginary map is constantly subject to change based on the INFJ’s latest self-discoveries and self-analysis. You found out you love to paint? Your imaginary life map might include becoming a painter now. Love to travel? You’ll probably start a working list of places in your head that you want to go on your journey through life. Now while this map can be more flexible depending on the INFJ, I think we all find comfort in having one. Unlike our cousins the beautiful INFPs, we aren’t content to wander the earth until our destiny finds us. We may love the idea of wandering, but not when it comes to finding our destiny. INFJs think that we can find our purpose in life through self-analysis (Ni) while INFPs want it to come to them via the outside world (Ne). INFJs can spend hours at a time searching the depths of their mind, trying to find their purpose in life. Sometimes they find it, and sometimes they’re not ready. But I think that an INFJ who learns patience, self-acceptance, and hard work, can find exactly what they are looking for in life. There will be plenty of unexpected ways that your life will turn out different than you expected and that’s okay too. Let yourself be open to it. Know that someday you’ll know what you want and all you’ll have to do is use your imaginary map as a guideline to steer you towards your partially serendipitous, partially crazy destiny. 

INFJs love a good plan. What’s yours?

Stay Awesome

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Anonymous asked: Hi, I was just wondering how do you spot an INFP. I know spotting an introvert is relatively easy... but distinguishing the types after that I find really hard to do. I bet someone has already asked this question and I'm sorry if it's a repeat!!

infpconnection:

Actually I’m pretty sure you’re the first to ask this.
…I can’t tell you how to better your distinguishing of the types other than to study and observe. I think for me, I really only started applying MBTI to my life in 2012, I had known about it and studied since I took the test in college in 2009, but really, I had to learn to use my “MBTI goggles” in order to look at the world around me like that. And once you get started, it’s hard to stop. haha. So I’d suggest doing some people watching and reading some resources.

First, just to state- the INFP is found usually within the 4-5% range of population in the USA according to the MBTI Foundation’s findings. However, some speculate that globally INFPs are found within the 1-2% range. We are one of the rarer types, rarest being INFJ & INTJ (most sites disagree with MBTI Foundation that INFJ is rarest, they say INTJ is.) 

So if hypothetically someone comes up to you and says they are an INFP, be wary… Statistically speaking, chances are they have miss-taken the test. Not to say that person is a liar, but that in general many people who take a standard online personality test tend to test iNtuitive whenever they are not. A lot of ISFPs think they are INFPs because of the “personality profiles” that are online. This isn’t their fault usually, it’s typically the test’s format. (Read more about correct testing and percentages in population on our What is an INFP page) If they have a healthy understanding of MBTI then I would believe them more than if they took the humanmetics test- for instance.

Also, many MBTI Researchers and Personality Psychologists that use the MBTI method claim that you are not your fully developed personality until age 18-25 depending on circumstances. Although many types are naturally either sensing or intuitive before age 5 as they have formed most of those functions in their formative years of 3-5 years old… I wish I had a link to the article that I read that from but alas I have lost it. If I find it, i’ll post it. So always take that into effect as well.

Second- Just to note here, Introvert does not equal shy. “Spotting an introvert is relatively easy….” may be misleading. For instance, I am an introvert yet you probably wouldn’t guess that if I met you in person. I would most likely initiate a conversation with you and be found during the night talking and laughing with most of the people around me. Don’t forget that Introversion / Extroversion means “Where do you get your energy from?” And INFPs, especially mature INFPs can be found “impersonating” other types as well in order to best navigate a situation. We just did a whole post on that, you can search back in our pages if you’re interested. It’s very common for our type to ‘mimic’ others in social situations as well.

Okay besides all that i’m not going to get into the stereotype of the INFP in order to say “they can be found at bookstores and libraries.” No I won’t do that because that is typically the reason why we are labeled as an “archetype” anyway. I would rather say something like this, taking it from my own life and from the INFPs I have met on here…

An INFP, in my opinion is:

  • A very zealous and passionate person. They have a fire for life in them and the moment you start talking about something they understand, love, or respect you will see a light in their eyes that is just a peek into the fire that burns inside. You will often see others tell INFPs that they are amazingly gifted with passion. It is a fault of our type too, we can overreact and emotionally outburst at times as well.
  • They can make you feel like all your life you’ll never meet someone like them. They have the unique ability to make you feel like you’ve never been listened to until the day you spoke to them.

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  • They are full of questions about who they are and what reality is. Partially due to their imaginations and their ability to attach and detach themselves from various purposes. Who am I? What is my purpose? How can I better my life, and the lives of others? INFPs feel the burden of the world on their shoulders, everything to them is something that can be improved to better humanity and themselves.
  • "editors" true INFPs are "idea" people, they can tell you many things. You need a name for your business or book? An INFP can give you 4 within a ten minute time span, all of which are highly unique and thought out. You want an opinion on your school essay? An INFP, though not as technical as an INTP, can give you insanely amazing insight on the subject and on your direction in writing…They may miss the run on sentence but they can tell you where you lose your perspective or the audience’s attention… You may see an INFP go into a restaurant or store and say things like "If I owned this place I would change this, I would make the walls green, I would fix the menus, I would re-do the bar, I would create this _________ aesthetic." They are talented at walking into situations with amazing perspective that is fresh and seems to come from no where.
  • Compassionate about the things they identify with. An INFP that was bullied in high school, may see a child being bullied and fight for them, an INFP who feels outcasted may befriend many outcasts, an INFP may appear to be someone that “saves” people or animals multiple times, helping abuse victims or neglected animals. Or, in a completely un-stereotypical way, and DEFINITELY not based on me……… an INFP may rearrange stuffed animals or books at a thrift store, simply because they feel that some might miss the incredible finds that are hidden in the back of the shelf (guilty… don’t make fun of me Brittany!)
  • An INFP with one or two friends-may not have many friends, because the friends that they do have seem to cling to them. Strangely, our type attracts friends that possess them, though an INFP would never want to be possessed in any way. An INFP will consistently find people drawn to them that “leech” from the INFP’s fire. (remember the first point) So many people will try and steal it from them all together, and some will succeed.
  • They feel the call of the wild. In whatever way this may be defined, INFPs are naturally adventurous at heart. Though they may not seem it, their imaginations take them on their own personal documentaries every day….They see things others do not, and do what people cannot understand. Some INFPs love adventure in the traditional sense of travel and exploration, also in thrills.
  • They trust their instincts. More than others. A true INFP follows their heart to the ends of the earth. They have a “sixth sense” that others do not. They can sense things that are extremely hidden and discreet in people, and often times can “feel a disturbance in the force” they read people with amazing accuracy, and many of their friends will feel like “they are in my head” or that they are “manipulating me without trying.” Because they are often secretive people, they don’t often share these thoughts, but always, always, follow their instincts. Sometimes, they can follow them blindly, leading them into trouble down the road.

These are just a couple of the things i’ve experienced in talking to INFPs here on this blog and in my own life. I will tell you one more, a quote that reminds me of our type:

"the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars." -Jack Kerouac, On the Road

As usual, this is just my opinion :)

Anyone else who would like to add, just message us :)

-Suzannah

Very good reference for those looking for more INFP resources/comparisons. I identify with a lot of these things too but I think one of the main differences for INFJs is that the flood of ideas that INFPs will get from their Extroverted Intuition isn’t something we really experience. Thinking of a bunch of clever names or aesthetic ideas on the spot isn’t something I really do. I usually search for the one ‘right’ idea (Ni). And while I’d say that INFJs definitely have a fire and passion to them too, I think they can get caught up in pleasing others or conforming more easily than INFPs. I think INFJs tend to blend in with the crowd more and lose their individual gifts because of their wanting to please others. INFPs almost always have that special authentic quality about them. They never really blend in or try to, or if they do, it’s not in a way that completely changes them. Not to say that there aren’t INFPs who are gifted mimics (there are) or that there aren’t INFJs who are genuine or unchanging (there are), but generally speaking, the INFJ likes the comradery of fitting in with a group of people (and perhaps blending in a bit too much) while INFPs are like…unicorns. 

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goaskalicemorgan asked: Just an infj here, in need of advice: my boyfriend (allegedly enfj) seems to be pulling away but won't acknowledge it. feels like he doesn't wanna see me, throws me the occasional bone like it's some favor to me. obviously this is sounding bitter, but i'll likely be breaking it off and i am filled with nasty things i want to say and i spose i'm just asking how i should deal with this. any help at all will be tremendous. you're awesome. thanks.

Hi there,

Your message struck a personal chord with me because my best guy friend is an ENFJ and behaved similarly to what you are describing (though ENFJs and the relationships with them all vary). After a pretty serious problem in the friendship arose, he shut down. He only spoke to me in short, matter-of-fact sentences, that indicated he was upset with me but then when I asked about it (several times), he would not acknowledge that he was upset or mad at me. When I’d ask to hang out, there would be excuses when before there were none and when we did eventually hang out, it seemed like he just agreed so I wouldn’t get mad at him for not being available. In person, his entire demeanor changed. No jokes, no positivity; only a cynical anger at the entire world and despondent eyes. I couldn’t take it. I had tried to get him to open up but after being met repeatedly with a brick wall, I decided the only thing I could do was to give him space. I would contact him every once and a while and if I was met with the wall again, I’d give him more space. Eventually, after a few months of giving him space, I contacted him again and his dark cloud had lifted. He’s still not 100% the way he was but I can be his friend again and that’s all I wanted. The rest is up to him. I know now that I can’t be responsible for his happiness. 

This story may or may not bring you any comfort because I know that not contacting a significant other for months isn’t the same as not contacting a friend. You can’t give a partner space like you can a friend and still have them be there for you. And I also can’t guarantee that this will help. I didn’t know if the right thing to do was to give him space. All I can say was that in my case it did help. Still, my advice would be to take a break, as difficult as that is, because you’ve done everything else there is to do. Kindly tell him everything that you feel needs to be said for his sake and yours and then give him space. This may work, or it may not. We don’t know because it is entirely up to him. If he comes back to you then great, but if he doesn’t, know that you did everything you could.

People have to learn to take responsibility of their own emotions in relationships, not just the emotions they can evoke in their partners. If you’re feeling down, that is going to upset your partner-not just you-because you are a unit. Which is all the more reason to place a lot of importance on self-care. Being good to yourself truly is being good to your partner as well. If you love your partner and want to do right by them, you have to love yourself first. 

I think INFJs and ENFJs need to take heed of this lesson especially. Being the extroverted feeling NFs, our strong idealistic feelings have a tendency to focus too much on making the other person happy over ourselves which can cause major problems if we ignore things that we need as well. And even though INFJs like to think of themselves as the biggest martyrs with the scariest dark sides when pushed too far or asked to give too much, nothing scares me more than the Mr. Hyde side of an ENFJ.

On that lovely note, best of wishes my dear, and I hope your Mr. Hyde turns back into Dr. Jekyll soon but if not, know that every failed relationship is just practice for the next, and possibly final, one. 

Stay Awesome 

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